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This is where I try to make sense of it all,
Why is it that most people can diet and live life?
While others, like me, get trapped in this world of
eating disorders.
I am about fourteen pounds under the minimum
requirement for my age and height.
I am working on recovery from disordered eating
including anorexia, purging disorder, exercise bulimia,
laxative, diet pill overuse and restrictive eating.
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AILEBBELIA's Profile:
Member Since:
5/19/2007
SparkPoints: 3271
SparkAmerica Minutes: 1630
My Goals:
"It's never over. Not
really. Not when you
stay down there as
long as I did, not
when you've lived in
the netherworld
longer than you've
lived in this material
one, where things are
very bright and large
and make such
strange noises. You
never come back, not
all the way. Always,
there is an odd
distance between you
and the people you
love and the people
you meet, a barrier,
thin as the glass of a
mirror. You never
come all the way out
of the mirror; you
stand, for the rest of
your life, with one
foot in this world and
one in another, where
everything is upside
down and backward
and sad."
My Program:
"It does not hit you
until later. The fact
that you were
essentially dead does
not register until you
begin to come alive.
Frostbite does not
hurt until it starts to
thaw. First it is numb.
Then a shock of pain
rips through the body.
And then, every
winter after, it
aches."
Personal Information:
***
“An eating disorder is
not usually a phase,
and it is not
necessarily indicative
of madness. It is quite
maddening, granted,
not only for the loved
ones of the eating
disordered person,
but also for the person
herself. It is, at the
most basic level, a
bundle of
contradictions: a
desire for power that
strips you of all
power.
A gesture of strength
that divests you of
strength.
A wish to prove that
you need nothing, that
you have
no human hungers,
which turns on itself
and becomes a
searing need for the
hunger itself. It is an
attempt to find an
identity, but ultimately
it strips you of any
sense of yourself
***
Other Information:
This is the weird
aftermath, when it is
not exactly over, and
yet you have given it
up. You go back and
forth in your head,
often, about giving
it up. It's hard to
understand, when
you are sitting
in your chair,
having breakfast or
whatever, that giving
it up is stronger than
holding on, that
"letting yourself go"
could mean you
have succeneded
rather than failed.
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